The Adventures of Scary Mask Man in Big, Dark, Rainy City (spoilers)


Before you read any further, this post I’ve posted may spoil Batman: Arkham Knight for some of you, so if you have any intention of playing this game, maybe you shouldn’t read any further.  But for those of you who have played it, or will never touch it, enjoy!  If you want to see the original article without the horrible formatting, you can CLICK ME!!

The first time I read this I laughed so hard because this just makes the game seem so dumb. Poor Rocksteady. I wonder if they’ve seen this, and whether it’s upsetting to see how stupid their game can seem. Keep in mind this entire post below is satire. The guy, Tim Colwill, is just poking fun at the game. 🙂

Without any further ado….

Scary Mask Man as you’ve never seen him before — fighting crime against the clock while being desperately outnumbered. Wait a minute…

BY TIM COLWILL ON JULY 6, 2015 AT 4:58 PM

Big Dark Rainy City is a tough place. That’s why Scary Mask Man is here to bring his two-fisted brand of justice to the big, dark, rainy streets — and this time he’s up against his old foe Fear Man and his new foe, Mystery Bad Man. Join Scary Mask Man as he punches crime to within an inch of its life (but not any further, because Scary Mask Man has sworn a solemn vow never to kill).

***

SCARY MASK MAN: Looks like there’s more crimes than ever in Big Dark Rainy City tonight. I had better go fight them
SIDEKICK #1: We can get this done in, like, half the time if you just let me help out
SCARY MASK MAN: Nah

***

FEAR MAN: Get a load of this, Scary Mask Man! I forced the whole city to evacuate in fear! Now the only people left are roving gangs of deranged criminals. AND I teamed up with a number of your other enemies to attack you all at once! I bet you won’t be able to stop us AND punch all the criminals in the city, all in one single night!
SCARY MASK MAN: This seems familiar somehow

***

SEXY PLANT LADY: Ha ha ha! How primitive! Plant good, but human bad
SCARY MASK MAN: [incoherent bass machismo]
SEXY PLANT LADY: My my my

***

SIDEKICK #2: Seriously like let’s team up
SCARY MASK MAN: I told you to stop calling me

***

MYSTERY BAD MAN: I made an army of tanks to take control of the city! I bet you won’t be able to stop them!
SCARY MASK MAN: I killed all the tanks
MYSTERY BAD MAN: Okay but you won’t be able to stop them a second time
SCARY MASK MAN: I killed the tanks again
MYSTERY BAD MAN: A third wave of tanks will sort this out

***

SCARY MASK MAN: Butler are you there
BUTLER: Very good, sir
SCARY MASK MAN: Butler I feel a need to laboriously narrate every single one of my thought processes and bodily functions to you for some reason
BUTLER: Very good, sir
SCARY MASK MAN: I am now placing my left foot in front of my right foot

***

QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: Finally, Scary Mask Man. It has come down to this
SCARY MASK MAN: Uh-huh
QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: Just you and me. A battle of wits. A mental duel of champions
SCARY MASK MAN: Yep
QUESTION MARK VILLAIN: I built an entire raceway underground just for you to drive your big scary car around in and have fun
SCARY MASK MAN: Seems legit

***

COMPUTER LADY: If I reconfigure the DNS on the cyber mainframe I can USB the data to the overclock processor!
SCARY MASK MAN: We’ve been looking at this the wrong way. What if we nucleic peptide to the chain reaction of the biochemistry cell wall?
COMPUTER LADY: It’s so obvious

***

SIDEKICK #3: I noticed that you’re dying and could use help. Maybe if all four of us teamed up
SCARY MASK MAN: You just don’t get it

***

SEXY CAT LADY: Meow. Rowr. Haha. Flirtatious double entendre
SEXY CAT LADY: Purr. Purr. Purr
SEXY CAT LADY: Oh my. Rowr. What’s a girl to do? Haha
SEXY CAT LADY: Meeeeow
SCARY MASK MAN: So should I just leave, or

***

FEAR MAN: It’s too late, Scary Mask Man. I have shown the whole city what a failure you are
SCARY MASK MAN: What do you mean. I have been consistently thwarting your plans for like six hours
FEAR MAN: Ha ha ha! They all see you for the failure you are!
SCARY MASK MAN: We evacuated the city, dude. The only people who can see you doing anything are a bunch of deranged criminals who you have repeatedly gassed
FEAR MAN: Ha ha ha ha ha
Batman Arkham Knight
SCARY MASK MAN: This crime looks complex. I might need to use my CrimeSolver gadget
Seven minutes pass.
SCARY MASK MAN: I need to solve this crime using my CrimeSolver

***

MYSTERY BAD MAN: Okay, but you definitely won’t be able to defeat a SEVENTEENTH wave of tanks
SCARY MASK MAN: ffs

***

RANDOM GOON: We’re gonna mess you up, Scary Mask Man! You’re gonna be dead!
SCARY MASK MAN: I am literally, right now, standing on a three-deep pile of bodies from the last people who tried to punch me
RANDOM GOON: Nah I’m feeling good about this

***

SCARY MASK MAN: I do not kill
SCARY MASK MAN electrocutes a puddle of water in which several guards are standing.
SCARY MASK MAN: They’re just sleeping
Batman Arkham Knight
POLICE DAD, SLAMMING DOWN A PHONE: These damn bureaucrats won’t help us! We’re on our own
SCARY MASK MAN: Don’t worry, Police Dad. We can defeat the crimes
POLICE DAD picks up and slams down the phone repeatedly
SCARY MASK MAN: Dude, stop

***

MYSTERY BAD MAN: I bet you don’t know who I am, Scary Mask Man! I bet you don’t know! I bet you’re completely unable to guess who I am!
SCARY MASK MAN: Have you even read any of the comics
SCARY MASK MAN: Like, ever
MYSTERY BAD MAN: Shut the hell up

***

SIDEKICK #4: Just checking in about the backup thing since you seem to be bleeding out and on the verge of death
SCARY MASK MAN: You’re fired

***

FEAR MAN: I have you now, Scary Mask Man. Tonight… you will finally taste true fear
CARY MASK MAN: I have literally thwarted every single one of your schemes for the past ten years
FEAR MAN: Yeah but this time it’s different

***

SCARY MASK MAN: Alright. I did it. It’s finally done. I defeated all the Bad Mans
BUTLER: You must complete a minimum of seven side quests to access the ending
SCARY MASK MAN: Piss off

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